The Migraine walk to Terry
2015 was the year. I was 23 years old, began studying 3D animation in college. However, I hit a breaking point because my parents didn’t know how to help me with my personal issues. That came down to this, they tell me you either get help or get kicked out of the house.
I knew my family was close-knit but I was never a socializing person to be around. Hard to approach, often giving a negative toxic vibe in anyone’s presence. My parents offered me recommendations to various therapists and I come across one therapist, Terry. I meet him in his office, that’s two minutes away from where I live and saw him every week on Thursdays. The first two weeks were terrible because I always thought therapy was a lame excuse talking to some shrink, Dr. Everything will be alright, Terry.
Week three, therapy was beginning to hurt my head. I didn’t know why and couldn’t understand how this was happening. Get all these headaches going into the therapy office than coming out of Terry’s therapy office. Real hesitation about what can I talk about every Thursday not knowing or how to express my feelings in front of a stranger, but I had to try or my headaches wouldn’t go away until I left the therapy room.
Week seven rolled up on a Thursday.
An early wake-up that was bad timing to a nasty headache. I managed to get dressed and take an Advil to help ease the pain. Where I sit on the couch for a little while knowing I have to go to therapy to see Terry, I just hated going for the last few weeks. I could have called up him to cancel the session but ruled against it. In a decision that I’ll hammer this out and not miss the session over a migraine. So I head out into the sunny day, take a deep breath before I go.
Driving was not an option.
I knew the session begins at 11:15 am, it was 10 am once I left the apartment. The migraine started worsening, my eyes feel distorted as drooling water runs down my face. Struggling as I walk but able to get towards the corner as the feeling of sweat runs down my spine. Forgot it was a hot sunny day. Not even realizing I jay-walked the street alongside cars honking at me and drivers telling me to get out of the way, asshole. There was a tree I leaned on to ease my mind but I couldn’t stop, time was against me.
10:20 am.
Walking was horrendous. I could see but not too well as the migraine ached my brain. Beginning to feel I won’t make it like either I’m going to pass out or get the head-death. Instead, I notice myself at an intersection as the signal for pedestrians signals me to walk the crosswalk from Macdonald’s to the In-N-Out.
Then cross another crosswalk from In-N-Out to the gas station. Making a pit stop to buy bottled water I chug in one gulp. Then head towards the sidewalk leading underneath the freeway as the cool shade under the freeway bridge cooled my back.
More and more slowly and head pains the migraine wouldn’t let up, becoming more difficult to see and move even as I yawn underneath the freeway. I question the Advil I took and why it’s not ridden of my migraine?
10:45 am.
Cross the street towards the brown buildings where my therapist councils. My walk feels more devastating to succumb and the blurred vision is blinding me even more. I head towards the parking lot where I drop to one knee and begin to have doubts.
Doubting that the pain in my head would just leave me stranded on the parking lot pavement. It’s too painful, thought to myself, I achingly turned my head to look across to the other part of the brown buildings to see a door behind a bush-row and two trees in front of the door. My eyes widen but my vision was beginning to fade. Struggling to stand but figure a slow pace toward the far-away entrance.
11:00 am.
My phone is six inches in front of my face. I had to try to hurry but the migraine turned me into a zombie. I had to persevere to an old mans walk.
11:07 am.
The time was against me. The migraine was killing me. The sun didn’t warm me. The sweat-drenched me. The will to move put against me. Not realizing I was halfway across the parking lot to the therapist’s door.
11:12 am.
I’m blind. I see blurred colors. Take a deep breath noticing the color green that stood out to me. Move a few more steps waving my arms feeling air and migraine stomping my brain. Then I felt something, a leaf, a green leaf. Glide my hand over to the small tree.
11:14 am.
Move away from the bush and trees standing in front of the door. Ahh, I cry out falling hurting my knees, the migraine burdens my body. All I could do now is put my hand over the doorknob willing myself to stand up feeling the burning in my head.
Turn the knob that holds me up entering the therapist’s room. I fall on all fours crawling towards the couch, plant myself on it, and lay my head back, passing out.
11:22 am.
“David? David!” a voice rings out. Open my eyes and see my therapist, Terry. I take a moment to reflect. Decide to say nothing. Gesture Terry to help me up and head into his office feeling the after-effects of my migraine as I walk toward the office couch, asking for bottled water. Taking a couple of deep breaths. Terry looks at me confused, starring deeply with a concerned look on his face. I take another drink of water and was grateful the Advil saved my life.
“I had a migraine,” I begin to say. “That’s way…I look all sweaty but I’m here and my migraine went away.”
“Hmm,” Terry hums sitting on his desk. “Could of called in sick. I’ve had patients make phone calls not able to make a session, only to never show up again. Personally, I think you should’ve stayed home instead of coming here. So why are you here?”
“I need help.”
“Not a good enough answer. Right now, seeing you like this, I don’t believe it was the migraine that prevented you from showing up at this session. You’re here. So I ask you, from the migraine that could’ve kept you in bed, what’s the reason for showing up today?”
Look away from Terry for a moment. Reflect on what I wanted to tell him. Thoughts race through my mind as I breathe steadily as the tears run down my face struggling to find an answer for Terry. Taking another deep breath and hold it for ten seconds until exhaling the air from my lungs. Rub the water off my face and sigh. Then I face Terry.
“My parents don’t know how to help me,” telling Terry with much hesitation. “For a long time, I’ve been emotionally isolated and alone that I clearly need help. If this is where I need to be to fix it, I must understand why I’ve felt this way for years. To get to the bottom of my fears for every one of my immediate family to understand my pain.”
A brief silence follows. Terry nods his head, looking away from me. Expecting to hear what he’s going to say. Feel puzzled and anxious.
Terry sighs and says, “See you next Thursday.”
Oddly, I stand up to say goodbye walking out of the therapy room. Of all talk that some say therapy is for weak people expressing feelings are most likely the ones who’ve never been in therapy. For the next couple of months, I express my feelings and pain. With Terry’s help, I improved my relationships with my immediate family that to this day have been close ever since.
As I look back, I knew I should not have walked to Terry’s office because of a migraine. But if I didn’t show up, I could have ended up dead or worse. I’m grateful that I did go and rarely haven’t had any migraines ever since.
Don’t know how to explain it or give a good reason. For too long I was afraid, fearful, and hurtful. Resulting in unintentionally hurting others verbally or emotionally gave me horrible guilt, emotional baggage. That too long I let my fear and emotions consume me that once I left Terry’s office for the last time I wanted to understand what made me vulnerable. When I did, I never had to feel alone anymore or misunderstood. Got stuck in the past of my pain that every now and again I think about it, my issues, and get a little sad.
I can’t look back because emotionally can’t go back to my old ways of emotional isolation. Rather have a conversation than be drowning in past pain.
It would be too much of a headache bottling up your feelings.
